Being a follower

The last few weeks have been stressful ones, but sometimes it's hard for me to name the source of my anxiety. I think that what's driving me crazy is that my husband has to be reminded to take out the trash or that my floor always has smeared peas on it, no matter how many times a day I clean it. By focusing on these small matters, I can ignore the looming worries on the horizon. Why is it that I take my stress out on my poor floor and my poor husband?

I hate uncertainty. Absolutely hate it. When I was younger I used to make life plans for fun. I know, I know, I'm a crazy person. I used to sit around and daydream every single detail of how I wanted my life to be in a month, a year, five years, and then make detailed plans of how I would achieve these goals. But you know what sucks about life plans? Life doesn't play by the rules. Just like the peas that always seem to find a way to fall off my son's highchair tray and smear all over my floor, no matter how hard I try to keep them in place, life is messy. Life doesn't stay in place. Life doesn't do what I tell it to do. Life doesn't follow a plan.

What am I anxious about today? I am scared that life will go in a direction that is unpredicted. What if being a stay at home mom is harder than I thought it would be? What if it's difficult for me to make other Mommy friends and I end up sitting in the house all day? What if some catastrophe happens and we're financially unprepared?

Perhaps what is most scary for me is that I know that I am called to live a life where I am not in control. Part of living the life of a person that is called to a purpose is living with the knowledge that I'm not the one doing the calling; I'm the one listening to the call, the one following directions, not the one giving them. I have to believe that God, fate, the universe, has a plan that is greater than mine. This is not easy stuff. I am, after all, an awfully good planner and an awfully poor follower.  

This is my prayer today: that I  will trust more and worry less. That I won't miss the great surprises that life has to offer because I am too focused on my own goals and priorities. That I will have faith that the one doing the planning knows more than I do, and that all things work for the good for those who love God and are called to a greater purpose.