Calling

I saw Avenue Q last night. Loved it! Interestingly enough, it's theme (finding one's purpose in life) is something I've been contemplating a lot lately. For those of you who haven't seen the show, a brief synopsis: A recently graduated English major realizes that he has no actual skills and has no idea what he's going to do with his life. He decides he needs to discover his purpose. And he's a puppet. Hilarity ensues.

When I finished my master's degree in English, I had a really hard time figuring out what to do with myself. It's true that nobody comes beating down the door of literature students, begging to employ them, ("You just wrote a 20-page paper on the othering of the exotic and the definition of the self in Othello??  Awesome! Just the skill I've been looking for!"), but my problem was more philosophical in nature: how did I want to define myself in the world? What was my purpose in life?

At this same time, I was working with the senior youth group at St. Alban's Parish in DC. We were studying the ways that God calls us in different directions in life. I began to have a real inner struggle; I was telling these kids that God had called them to a greater purpose in life, and yet I had absolutely no idea to what purpose God was calling me. In fact, I was beginning to doubt that I had any calling at all. I've got to say, this made me kind of pissed off. "Okay God," I thought to myself. "I made good grades, I'm a smart girl, I'm even looking for a purpose instead of a way to greedily rake in tons of money. Plus, I can write a damn good literary essay on Othello. Why isn't that good enough? Why don't you have big plans for me??"

As I continued soul searching, I came to some realizations. One day on the metro, I saw a mother sitting with her little boy. The kid was crying, trying to escape his stroller, and the mother was singing him a song to calm him down. And I knew: "That. I want to do that. I want to be a mom."

"But that's not a calling!" I argued with myself. A calling is an occupation. It's a way to use your intellectual gifts. Motherhood is what traps you, it's what keeps you from fulfilling your purpose. It makes you lose yourself in the needs and wants of your husband and children. It locks you inside your house instead of letting you share yourself with the world. Think of The Awakening: she drowns herself in the end!!

Eventually, I decided to let the two arguing factions inside myself (the one that wanted motherhood vs. the one that wanted to be career-driven) come to a compromise. I pursued a degree in education, enabling me have a job that allowed me to contribute to the greater good and be intellectually challenged while still having a flexible enough schedule to eventually pursue motherhood. I absolutely love teaching, and I have the most beautiful baby boy in the world. I even teach part time so I can spend more time at home with my little guy. Problem solved, right?

Except, it's not. Lately, I have really been feeling the desire to stay home with Jackson full time. I absolutely dread leaving for work each day. I think about all the fun things I could do with my son instead: go to the park, go to the library, play with his blocks. I think of the things I'm missing out on and wonder if being gone is damaging my relationship with my son. I feel so very guilty that I'm not devoting every bit of my energy to being the wonderful mommy that my little guy deserves.

I think this probably has something to do with my perfectionist nature: when I do something, I like to do it well. Right now I feel like I don't have enough time to prepare quality lessons for my kids at school, and when I'm at home, I often have to spend time grading and lesson planning instead of spending time with my baby boy. I spend a lot of my days feeling like a bad teacher and a bad mom. Not exactly what I pictured when I thought about being a career mom.

On the other hand, I'm afraid of staying home full time. I absolutely love teaching. I love my students. I love building relationships with them, helping them grow intellectually, helping them become confident, capable learners. I don't want to quit my job and then regret it. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I am a great mom and a great wife, but that I have nothing that defines myself outside of my family.

I have again reached a moment in life where I am trying to decide what will define me. When I think about my current life situation, I'm reminded of a line by Ani Difranco. She says, "I guess this is the price that we pay for the privilege of living for even a day in a world with so much worth believing in." Ultimately, I understand that my struggle is one I should be thankful for; I have two areas of my life that I treasure deeply, and it is because I so much in my life worth valuing that I am having trouble deciding the next steps for myself.