To my students

I'm not a very easy person to get to know. It's not that I'm unfriendly; in fact, I'm actually pretty outgoing. I'm just an introvert. For some reason it's hard for me to put myself out there into the world. Sure, I can discuss weather or sports or even politics, even with complete strangers. People may even think that I'm quite easy going. But it is a different thing entirely for me to discuss myself, my feelings, my beliefs. I don't "wear my heart upon my sleeve for daws to peck at," as Iago would say. I think every person has an intense desire to be known, to be understood. Yet, despite this desire, letting myself be known is very difficult for me.

It's ironic, then, that I am a teacher. Because, at its heart, teaching is letting one's self be known. Parker Palmer, one of my favorites, writes about teaching: "Teaching, like any truly human activity, emerges from one's inwardness, for better or worse. As I teach, I project the condition of my soul onto my students, my subject, and our way of being together. The entanglements I experience in the classroom are often no more or less than the convolutions of my inner life. Viewed from this angle, teaching holds a mirror to the soul" (The Courage to Teach 2). When I began teaching, I thought teaching meant enabling my students to experience language and literature. This is, of course, a part of my teaching life. But I have found teaching to be so much more. Each day, I share more than just the rules of using an apostrophe or the definition of iambic pentameter with my students. In my interactions with literature and writing in front of my students, and in my daily interactions with my students themselves, I "project the condition of my soul onto my students." The act of teaching is the act of wearing your heart on your sleeve for daws to peck at. The very process of teaching is the process of continual self-examination and reflection, but with and in-front of one's students. My students don't know everything about me. They don't know the crazy stuff I used to do in college or my favorite curse words to say when I get angry driving down the highway. And yet, in some ways, they know me just as well as some of my closest friends. Together we have laughed, learned, and discovered. We have disappointed one another at times, but we always manage to start again each day.

To my students: I am so profoundly grateful for you. You have given a job a love going to each day. I am a person that does not always feel comfortable sharing who I am, and yet, by being your teacher, I was able to learn so much about myself, and hopefully share some of that knowledge with you. I have seen you exhibit such grace, integrity, and curiosity. It is my hope that you have learned from me, as I have learned from you. I used to think that my job as a teacher was to help my students learn how to be better versions of themselves. I see now, that is what you all have been teaching me.  

Being a follower

The last few weeks have been stressful ones, but sometimes it's hard for me to name the source of my anxiety. I think that what's driving me crazy is that my husband has to be reminded to take out the trash or that my floor always has smeared peas on it, no matter how many times a day I clean it. By focusing on these small matters, I can ignore the looming worries on the horizon. Why is it that I take my stress out on my poor floor and my poor husband?

I hate uncertainty. Absolutely hate it. When I was younger I used to make life plans for fun. I know, I know, I'm a crazy person. I used to sit around and daydream every single detail of how I wanted my life to be in a month, a year, five years, and then make detailed plans of how I would achieve these goals. But you know what sucks about life plans? Life doesn't play by the rules. Just like the peas that always seem to find a way to fall off my son's highchair tray and smear all over my floor, no matter how hard I try to keep them in place, life is messy. Life doesn't stay in place. Life doesn't do what I tell it to do. Life doesn't follow a plan.

What am I anxious about today? I am scared that life will go in a direction that is unpredicted. What if being a stay at home mom is harder than I thought it would be? What if it's difficult for me to make other Mommy friends and I end up sitting in the house all day? What if some catastrophe happens and we're financially unprepared?

Perhaps what is most scary for me is that I know that I am called to live a life where I am not in control. Part of living the life of a person that is called to a purpose is living with the knowledge that I'm not the one doing the calling; I'm the one listening to the call, the one following directions, not the one giving them. I have to believe that God, fate, the universe, has a plan that is greater than mine. This is not easy stuff. I am, after all, an awfully good planner and an awfully poor follower.  

This is my prayer today: that I  will trust more and worry less. That I won't miss the great surprises that life has to offer because I am too focused on my own goals and priorities. That I will have faith that the one doing the planning knows more than I do, and that all things work for the good for those who love God and are called to a greater purpose.