Okay, I feel like I'm about 5 years late to the party here. I know that blogging has been the cool thing to do for awhile now, and I am just starting. Why now?
A couple of reasons, actually. I like writing, but I always thought to myself, "Who would want to read my thoughts about life? What do I have to say?" One of my fundamental beliefs as an English teacher is that each of my students has a unique voice; that each of us, even if it takes us awhile to find it, has something beautiful within ourselves that we want to share with the world. Sometimes we lack confidence, sometimes we don't recognize our own voice, but that does not mean that we don't have something beautiful to say. If I spend all this time asking my students to recognize that they have something to share with the world, I should at least be so bold myself.
I really recognized that I have something to talk to the world about when I became a mother. When I came home from the hospital, I began searching for blogs about motherhood. Admittedly, my search was only cursory (I didn't have tons of spare time in those days), but I had a really hard time finding a blog that I could relate to. I think the main problem stemmed from reading about what most mothers said about the birthing process. My first few days home from the hospital, I was sore. Really sore. I was exhausted. Breastfeeding hurt like a mf-er, even though everything I read told me that it should feel comfortable (really???). Going to the bathroom was a 30 minute terror that often resulted in screaming. In short, I was feeling rather overwhelmed, and so I went to the source of all knowledge - the internet - in an attempt to read the experiences of other mothers out there. I found very little out there describing what I was experiencing.
Now, I love my son more than life itself. In fact, I would argue that I love my son more than any other mother has ever loved any other child. It's true. I love him that much. However, I refuse to let my devotion to my son blind me to the truth: Motherhood is hard. As I began reading blogs about the birthing experience, I read so many accounts of women glossing over the pain and difficulty of childbearing. One blog described the pain of labor as so beautiful and enjoyable that she didn't understand how anyone could complain and not relish the experience. BS. Ridiculousness. Utter tomfoolery.
These are the things I wish I had found in a blog somewhere:
Motherhood is hard. Labor sucks. When you come home from the hospital, you're going to feel like you've been hit by a truck. It's going to hurt to walk or ride in a car (a baby just came out of there, for goodness sake!a small human!!). You're going to want to sleep for a week. But you won't be able to, of course, because your priority will no longer be caring for yourself, but for another, precious little one. But it's okay that you are tired. You're supposed to be. It doesn't mean that you're a bad mother because your body isn't singing the praises of childbirth. It just means you're a new mother.
I came home from the hospital and realized that the universe had entrusted me with its most precious gift: my son. And I began to question the universe's wisdom. Me? How am I worthy to care for this baby? Don't you know that I don't know anything at all about babies?? I've never even changed a diaper! I became really, really anxious. I think those doctor types define this as postpartum anxiety. And, boy, did I feel guilty about it. If the universe has given me its most perfect gift, shouldn't I feel nothing but joy? Shouldn't I feel nothing but elation, even though I'm scared of failure and tired and recovering and being woken up every 2 hours to feed my son?
I wish some blog out there had told me that acknowledging my fears as a mother doesn't make me a bad mother. I wish I had realized that no longer having the ability to make myself my priority is a huge adjustment, and having difficulty with such an adjustment doesn't mean that I don't love my baby. I wish I could have said "Wow, this is hard" without immediately beating myself up for not loving every single second of motherhood.
So, here I am, 14 months later. I have decided that since I never found that mommy blog out there that I needed when my son was born, maybe I can be that blog for someone else. Most of all, I'm reminding myself that the universe has a lot of faith in me; after all, the universe has given me the most amazing son I could ever imagine. I must be capable of being his mommy. And, just maybe, I can be a good mommy to my little guy not because I never notice the negative side of parenting, but because sometimes being a mother is hard for me; it's a struggle some days, but I still keep going, I still try to find the joy in the difficult moments, and I am still remarkably thankful for it all.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
A brief political rant
So, here I am, my first real, true blogging experience.
I have to admit, I've had this great blog in my head for like a year now, all about my experiences being a mother, my reasons for wanting to blog in the first place. It has some great quotations about the motherhood and the self, about the idealistic portrait of motherhood vs. the reality. Anyway, the reality of motherhood, at least for me, is that I've had this great blog idea in my head for a year, and I haven't actually had time (or, honestly, inclination, when I did have time) to sit down and type it.
So, instead of my great, wonderfully written blog about motherhood (that will hopefully make it out into cyberspace eventually), I've been inspired to sit down and type in reaction to my Facebook newsfeed. I have a variety of friends with a variety of opinions, and I try my best to avoid putting too much controversy on my page. Okay, okay, I post controversy sometimes. But, today, I desire a full out rant, and I think my Facebook page is probably the wrong place to do so. Thus, my blogging adventures begin.
Through the wonders of Facebook, I came across this:
The Pink Ribbon and the Dollar Sign Christianity Today A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction
This article made me angry. It made me confused. I do actually agree with some of the premise of the article. I agree that many churches have ignored and even encouraged a culture of greed. In the gospels, Jesus devotes a majority of his time teaching about helping the poor. He doesn't say to help them if you think they deserve it. He doesn't say to help them if you have the time or the inclination. He doesn't say to help them after you help yourself. He doesn't say to help them after they pass a drug test. He doesn't say to berate them as lazy. He says that the way we treat the least of those in our society is the way we treat Jesus himself.
However, this article, while commenting on a culture of greed, does not encourage its readers to support government measures to support those in need; government measures such as Planned Parenthood, which provides health care services to millions of women that otherwise would have no access to proper care. Instead, it vilifies Planned Parenthood, saying "they'll make a lot of money. And they'll do so off the shredded corpses of children and the raped consciences of women." Planned Parenthood? Making a lot of money? They are a service for the poor! The raped consciences of women? The very purpose of Planned Parenthood is to help women. What??
I understand that Mr. Moore, the author of the article, is anti-choice. Fine. Here's the thing: I am pro-choice, but I think, Mr. Moore, that you and I actually still have a lot in common. I think the choice to have an abortion must be an awfully difficult one. It is one I wish fewer women were forced to make. But I think the way to stop women from having to make such decisions is to go back to this culture of greed you were talking about. Let's create a world where women don't have to have abortions because they don't need to. Women that have access to health care, such as that provided by Planned Parenthood, are more likely to have birth control, and are therefore less likely to need an abortion. Women are less likely to need an abortion if they have adequate childcare so that they can work to support their children. Women are less likely to need an abortion if they have access to programs such as WIC and food stamps. Mr. Moore, if you are pro-life, work dilligently to make sure that women are provided with the proper programs and support to make abortion unneccesary.
This article encourage us to "work to legally protect women and children." Fabulous! Let's work to provide quality health care to all women. Let's support Planned Parenthood. Let's make sure that abortions are rare, but when it is a woman's choice to receive an abortion, it is a safe one. And let's be honest here: if you are arguing against a woman's choice to quality health care, you are not trying to protect her but to control her.
I have to admit, I've had this great blog in my head for like a year now, all about my experiences being a mother, my reasons for wanting to blog in the first place. It has some great quotations about the motherhood and the self, about the idealistic portrait of motherhood vs. the reality. Anyway, the reality of motherhood, at least for me, is that I've had this great blog idea in my head for a year, and I haven't actually had time (or, honestly, inclination, when I did have time) to sit down and type it.
So, instead of my great, wonderfully written blog about motherhood (that will hopefully make it out into cyberspace eventually), I've been inspired to sit down and type in reaction to my Facebook newsfeed. I have a variety of friends with a variety of opinions, and I try my best to avoid putting too much controversy on my page. Okay, okay, I post controversy sometimes. But, today, I desire a full out rant, and I think my Facebook page is probably the wrong place to do so. Thus, my blogging adventures begin.
Through the wonders of Facebook, I came across this:
The Pink Ribbon and the Dollar Sign Christianity Today A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction
This article made me angry. It made me confused. I do actually agree with some of the premise of the article. I agree that many churches have ignored and even encouraged a culture of greed. In the gospels, Jesus devotes a majority of his time teaching about helping the poor. He doesn't say to help them if you think they deserve it. He doesn't say to help them if you have the time or the inclination. He doesn't say to help them after you help yourself. He doesn't say to help them after they pass a drug test. He doesn't say to berate them as lazy. He says that the way we treat the least of those in our society is the way we treat Jesus himself.
However, this article, while commenting on a culture of greed, does not encourage its readers to support government measures to support those in need; government measures such as Planned Parenthood, which provides health care services to millions of women that otherwise would have no access to proper care. Instead, it vilifies Planned Parenthood, saying "they'll make a lot of money. And they'll do so off the shredded corpses of children and the raped consciences of women." Planned Parenthood? Making a lot of money? They are a service for the poor! The raped consciences of women? The very purpose of Planned Parenthood is to help women. What??
I understand that Mr. Moore, the author of the article, is anti-choice. Fine. Here's the thing: I am pro-choice, but I think, Mr. Moore, that you and I actually still have a lot in common. I think the choice to have an abortion must be an awfully difficult one. It is one I wish fewer women were forced to make. But I think the way to stop women from having to make such decisions is to go back to this culture of greed you were talking about. Let's create a world where women don't have to have abortions because they don't need to. Women that have access to health care, such as that provided by Planned Parenthood, are more likely to have birth control, and are therefore less likely to need an abortion. Women are less likely to need an abortion if they have adequate childcare so that they can work to support their children. Women are less likely to need an abortion if they have access to programs such as WIC and food stamps. Mr. Moore, if you are pro-life, work dilligently to make sure that women are provided with the proper programs and support to make abortion unneccesary.
This article encourage us to "work to legally protect women and children." Fabulous! Let's work to provide quality health care to all women. Let's support Planned Parenthood. Let's make sure that abortions are rare, but when it is a woman's choice to receive an abortion, it is a safe one. And let's be honest here: if you are arguing against a woman's choice to quality health care, you are not trying to protect her but to control her.
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