Emily the Mommy

Okay, I feel like I'm about 5 years late to the party here. I know that blogging has been the cool thing to do for awhile now, and I am just starting. Why now?

A couple of reasons, actually. I like writing, but I always thought to myself, "Who would want to read my thoughts about life? What do I have to say?" One of my fundamental beliefs as an English teacher is that each of my students has a unique voice; that each of us, even if it takes us awhile to find it, has something beautiful within ourselves that we want to share with the world. Sometimes we lack confidence, sometimes we don't recognize our own voice, but that does not mean that we don't have something beautiful to say. If I spend all this time asking my students to recognize that they have something to share with the world, I should at least be so bold myself.

I really recognized that I have something to talk to the world about when I became a mother. When I came home from the hospital, I began searching for blogs about motherhood. Admittedly, my search was only cursory (I didn't have tons of spare time in those days), but I had a really hard time finding a blog that I could relate to. I think the main problem stemmed from reading about what most mothers said about the birthing process. My first few days home from the hospital, I was sore. Really sore. I was exhausted. Breastfeeding hurt like a mf-er, even though everything I read told me that it should feel comfortable (really???). Going to the bathroom was a 30 minute terror that often resulted in screaming. In short, I was feeling rather overwhelmed, and so I went to the source of all knowledge - the internet - in an attempt to read the experiences of other mothers out there. I found very little out there describing what I was experiencing.

Now, I love my son more than life itself. In fact, I would argue that I love my son more than any other mother has ever loved any other child. It's true. I love him that much. However, I refuse to let my devotion to my son blind me to the truth: Motherhood is hard. As I began reading blogs about the birthing experience, I read so many accounts of women glossing over the pain and difficulty of childbearing. One blog described the pain of labor as so beautiful and enjoyable that she didn't understand how anyone could complain and not relish the experience.  BS. Ridiculousness. Utter tomfoolery.

These are the things I wish I had found in a blog somewhere:

Motherhood is hard. Labor sucks. When you come home from the hospital, you're going to feel like you've been hit by a truck. It's going to hurt to walk or ride in a car (a baby just came out of there, for goodness sake!a small human!!). You're going to want to sleep for a week. But you won't be able to, of course, because your priority will no longer be caring for yourself, but for another, precious little one. But it's okay that you are tired. You're supposed to be. It doesn't mean that you're a bad mother because your body isn't singing the praises of childbirth. It just means you're a new mother.

I came home from the hospital and realized that the universe had entrusted me with its most precious gift: my son. And I began to question the universe's wisdom. Me? How am I worthy to care for this baby? Don't you know that I don't know anything at all about babies?? I've never even changed a diaper! I became really, really anxious. I think those doctor types define this as postpartum anxiety. And, boy, did I feel guilty about it. If the universe has given me its most perfect gift, shouldn't I feel nothing but joy? Shouldn't I feel nothing but elation, even though I'm scared of failure and tired and recovering and being woken up every 2 hours to feed my son?

I wish some blog out there had told me that acknowledging my fears as a mother doesn't make me a bad mother. I wish I had realized that no longer having the ability to make myself my priority is a huge adjustment, and having difficulty with such an adjustment doesn't mean that I don't love my baby. I wish I could have said "Wow, this is hard" without immediately beating myself up for not loving every single second of motherhood.

So, here I am, 14 months later. I have decided that since I never found that mommy blog out there that I needed when my son was born, maybe I can be that blog for someone else. Most of all, I'm reminding myself that the universe has a lot of faith in me; after all, the universe has given me the most amazing son I could ever imagine. I must be capable of being his mommy. And, just maybe, I can be a good mommy to my little guy not because I never notice the negative side of parenting, but because sometimes being a mother is hard for me; it's a struggle some days, but I still keep going, I still try to find the joy in the difficult moments, and I am still remarkably thankful for it all.